The Sarcastic Hojo and Vincent Story
by seasonofthepumpkin
Summary: The Sarcastic Hojo and Vincent Story. Like the title says. :P (sarcastic yaoi warning...)


The Sarcastic Vincent and Hojo Story  
  
starring Sarcastic! Vincent, Sarcastic! Hojo, and Sarcastic! Lucrecia   
  
by Sarcastic! Seasonofthepumpkin   
  
* * *   
  
It was another typical day in the ShinRa Mansion. In other words, Hojo and Lucrecia were fighting again. What did they fight about? That's a very good question, dear reader, and one I will certainly try my best to avoid answering. No one really knew what they fought about, so let's just say that they were constantly fighting to advance the plot.  
  
"You ungrateful whore." Hojo deadpanned, halfheartedly throwing a microscope at his wife. She lazily ducked, and sent a petri dish in his direction.  
  
"You inconsiderate bastard. You are a bad man." She returned, ducking to avoid a shiny brown dress shoe.  
  
"I never loved you, despite all the things I said when I asked you to marry me and make my life complete. I was just kidding when I told you I wanted to grow old with you in a cottage by the beach with two dogs and the grandchildren on weekends." Hojo said, taking off his other shoe and throwing it, not even bothering to aim. They'd already thrown everything else on the counters, and neither really felt like making the effort to bend over and pick up something to throw.   
  
"I totally agree. I hate your guts and always have even though I cried when you asked me to marry you, and we just celebrated our first anniversary. Doesn't the fact that I still eat with you, sleep with you and wear your ring prove that?" Lucrecia didn't even have to duck or dodge this time, since the shoe had not come anywhere near her.  
  
Vincent Valentine silently stood in the doorway, watching the couple bicker and throw various items of clothing at each other. He raised his eyebrow briefly as a lacy red bra sailed across the room, but otherwise kept his stoic expression. "Damn freaks," he muttered.   
  
Lucrecia and Hojo froze in mid-throw and slowly turned to face Vincent, who immediately winced and covered his eyes.   
  
And then a light bulb appeared over Hojo's head.  
  
"This isn't really advancing the plot, Lu. I have a better idea." Hojo said, looking as dignified as possible for one to look while only wearing one sock and a pair of green undershorts. "Why don't you go and cheat on me with that Turk in the doorway so we'll really have something to fight about that will advance the plot."  
  
Lucrecia smiled as she slapped the light bulb from over her husband's head. It hit the wall and immediately broke with a tinkle of metaphoric glass.   
  
"That's a pretty good idea, Simon. I'll just go do that, and what do you say I become radioactive and die to ::really:: make things interesting?" "Sounds good to me. See you at dinner." He said, leaning over and kissing his wife's cheek. "Well, I'm going to go stand in the corner with my eyes closed and ears plugged while you two advance the plot."  
  
"Bye honey!" Lucrecia said, waving at Hojo who had already taken his place in the corner. Then she turned to Vincent, who was still stoically standing in the doorway.  
  
"Hey Vincent, wanna fuck me even though I'm married to a very unstable man who would probably not hesitate to kill both of us if he found out?"  
  
"Sure," Vincent said, his face still as blank as a brick wall.  
  
"Did I mention that I am part of an extremely unethical experiment and that I am also pregnant with his child who also happens to be involved in this unethical experiment? Still want to?"  
  
"Sure." "I guess I should also tell you that I've been injected with cells from an alien space germ that will likely mutate me if it doesn't outright kill me. What do you say, Vincent? Will you do it for the sake of the plot?" Lucrecia stifled a giggle, noticing that Hojo was peeking through his fingers.  
  
"Sure, anything for the plot." "Well, no time like the present. Do you want to get it on here, or would you like to go upstairs and use the bed I sleep with my husband every night in?"  
  
"Meh, right here is fine."  
  
"Okay." And with that they proceeded with the plot-necessary sexual relations that could be either devoid of any description whatsoever, or vividly described with all the squishy noises and minute details of the character's genitalia.  
  
You decide which.   
  
Whichever you picked, let it be known that the whole time Hojo was in the corner he ::was:: peeking through his fingers.  
  
* * *  
  
Well, anyway, now that the plot has been advanced, Lucrecia gave birth to a boy-child named Sephiroth. She never got to hold him because Hojo was always hogging him, but she was fine with that because now they not only had something worthwhile to fight about but she was also slowly dying from the Jenova cells in her body.   
  
One day the inevitable happened.  
  
"Oh, my." Said Lucrecia. "I don't feel so well. Well, at least the plot's been advanced." And she then proceeded to either die horribly or retreat to a cave because she was now radioactive thanks to the concentration of Jenova cells and mako in her system. Take your pick, doesn't really matter to me.  
  
But whichever you picked, let it be known that Vincent, who had promised Lucrecia to advance the plot no matter what, was pissed.  
  
* * *  
  
"Hojo! Come out here right now!" Vincent shouted in righteous anger.  
  
"Hmmmmmm what?" Hojo walked out of the lab and found himself face to face with a very angry Vincent.  
  
"What have you done to the woman I love who is still legally your wife?!"   
  
'Well, if you couldn't tell she is rather unavailable at the moment." Hojo replied, his arms full of important files he had been putting away. "She either died or became a festering ball of Jenova cells, take your pick."   
  
"You bastard!" Vincent shouted, taking off his shoe and preparing to nail Hojo square in the head.   
  
Hojo dropped the files and immediately reached down for his own shoe, but thought better of it. Instead, he fumbled in his lab coat pocket and slowly drew a shiny (shiny SHINY!) pistol. He pulled the hammer back and pointed it in Vincent's general direction.  
  
Meanwhile, Vincent was struggling to remove his socks to throw at Hojo, having already thrown both shoes and his pants at the scientist.   
  
Hojo batted the blue dress slacks away from his face and trained the gun on Vincent. "Well, this is the part where I shoot you. Try not to move around so much so I'll have a better chance of actually hitting you." He said, looking down the barrel of the gun trying to discern which way to point it  
  
. Vincent froze and stood there patiently while Hojo fussed with the gun.  
  
Five minutes went by, and still no shot had been fired.  
  
Finally, Vincent spoke up. "You have to point it at me. No, not over your shoulder, at me. Then pull that trigger. Yeah, that one right the--"  
  
There was a loud bang, and Vincent slumped over and began to make a graceful descent to the library floor only to strike his head on the edge of the desk. "Fuck! Had to botch my deathscene....! I mean, 'Crecia...!" he managed to gasp before hitting the floor and twitching.   
  
Hojo tossed the gun over his shoulder into the trash can and knelt down beside the fallen Turk where he began to wrack his brains for something that would advance the plot. Vincent moaned, a trickle of blood escaping his lips and pooling on the floor planks. "Will you shut up? I'm trying to think of a way to advance the plot," he said irritably. Vincent motioned to a paper on the floor that had been soaked with some sort of liquid, leaving only the letters 'y...a...o..i' legible.   
  
"There has to be something that we haven't already done that would keep the readers on the edge of their seats." A small bird lit in the window sill and began it's warbling song. "Yaoiy-y-y-yaoi...! Yaoi-y-y-yaoi....!" It sang. Hojo tossed Vincent's shoe at the bird, effectively silencing it. A mouse paused in it's task of chewing holes in the walls, and let out a loud squeal of fright. "Yaoi...!" It scampered into it's hole before Hojo could throw something at it as well.  
  
"I can't think with all this noise!" Hojo shouted, kicking Vincent out of frustration. Vincent tried to say something, but speaking with blood pooling in your lungs is no easy feat. "Even if you are incredibly hot and lying there helpless on the floor, that's not helping me any." He kicked Vincent's discarded pants out of the way, growing more irate by the moment. "Well, I guess I'd better do something before you bleed to death. Although smuggling your body out of the mansion might make for a gripping read."   
  
So Hojo set to the task of patching Vincent up. He worked quickly and efficiently, despite not having adequate supplies and no anesthetics and no surgical team to back him up. Hell, he didn't even have anyone to mop his brow while he dug around in Vincent's wound. But somehow he made it through hours of tedious surgery.  
  
"There. I ran out of staples and had to use duct tape on some of it, but that should work." He said, picking at the blood crusting on his fingers.  
  
Vincent blinked, having somehow been conscious and coherent after the surgery.  
  
Hojo looked over his patient one last time, making sure that his stitches would keep Vincent's insides from becoming outsides, and again he noticed how hot the sweaty, bloody and bruised Turk looked. In fact he was starting to look more sexy by the moment.  
  
Hojo shook his head in disbelief, wondering how in the hell it had come to this.   
  
"I've got it," he said with an extremely bitter look on his face. "Pity it came to this, but I have a solution to our plot problems. We'll have to resort to the done-to-death scenario of two characters deciding to fuck for no apparent reason."  
  
Vincent shrugged, too tired to say anything.  
  
"Well, no time like the present, I guess."   
  
And the Yaoi Gods smiled on them as they proceeded to engage in the plot necessary sexual relations that could be either devoid of any description whatsoever, or vividly described with all the squishy noises and minute details of the character's genitalia. You decide which.  
  
But whichever you chose, know that stitches and duct tape don't hold up particularly well in the midst of bumping and grinding.  
  
* * *   
  
After the plot necessary coupling, Vincent wasn't in the best of shape.  
  
In fact the formerly quiet and stoic Turk had turned into the type of angst whore that would make any fangirl squeal with glee. Every word that escaped his lips became an exercise in depression, and every move he made was fraught with angst. Somehow he even acquired his own moody theme music that would play in the background every time anyone got within three feet of him.  
  
Listening to Vincent go off into one of his depressing monologues and constantly having to throw the screaming hordes of fangirls out of the mansion soon drove Hojo to insanity, and he proceeded to subject Vincent to vast amounts of unnecessary surgery.  
  
And because even sick and twisted surgical procedures become boring after a while, he contented himself with shutting Vincent into a coffin and vacating the premises. Years went by, and Hojo promptly forgot about the now deadly shape-shifting Turk locked in the basement. Of course, something minor like that is easily forgotten.  
  
Now no longer burdened with advancing the plot, Hojo spent his days either on the sunny beaches of Cost Del Sol, drinking fruity tropical drinks or coming to terms with his newfound plot necessary sexual orientation. You decide which.   
  
* * *   
  
Seasonofthepumpkin sat at her desk staring at the monitor after finishing her sarcastic story. She wondered vaguely if Sephiroth1Ripley8 had been able to come out of hiding after the combined efforts of the AeriSeph and Yuffentine fans to torch her house, have her account deleted and kidnap her baby brother.  
  
"I'll have to look her up on AIM one of these evenings," she said, hitting the 'post' button on her own fanfiction.net account. And then she sat and waited for the imminent flames.  
  
~The end 


End file.
